Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Wherever I am, there I go

There's a saying people are fond of in AA: "The way things are is the way they're supposed to be." I've never believed that and don't think I ever will. The way things are is the way things are.

That doesn't make them any less poignant, though.

Last night I watched the concert honoring Paul Simon with the first annual Library of Congress Gerschwin Prize for Popular Song. Musicians there included Ladysmith Black Mambazo, James Taylor, Alison Krauss (she just gets better and better), Stevie Wonder, Lyle Lovett, Buckwheat Zydeco, and finally, Art Garfunkel. Art seemed out of voice, as if he never sings anymore. It all brought me to tears, at first because of its beauty, but as the concert went on, more simply because it brought home how much time has passed, the way young people think it never will. I cried more than I have in months.

Afterwards John listened to me as I struggled to tell him how my sense that there's some meaning to it all has faded. I'm having a hard time staying in the moment, a hard time maintaining any serenity.

I had some sense a couple of weeks ago that studying Buddhism might help me, and I purchased a book called 'Buddhism Plain and Simple". I started to read it this morning.

Of course, the coming of New Years Day reminds me that one of the (few) upcoming years will be my last. That's very hard. I have vowed to make this, and any possibly last years that succeed it, the best year I've ever had. Not by striving, though--by simply seeing all that is around me.

In the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas, Jesus says, "The kingdom of heaven is all around us, and men do not see it". I want to get back my perception of the feast that is right in my house, my yard, my world. I want to live again.

Christmas Eve with my kids here was beautiful. My daughter is suffering, but she seems happier when her brother is around. I have to accept what is now, and let go of my fear that that beauty--my good relationship with them--won't be permanent, a fear that tortures me. Right now all is well, being what it is.

I hope you all have a new year filled with growth and openness. I hope that for myself as well.



Fairywebmother said...

Oh, May....I understand your feelings, more than you know. Something that has been helping me, especially in the last couple of days (why I need help is another story) is my healing art journal. You can find it, easily, on my Website. I just added to it and posted new pics. I hope you will check it out and consider making one of your own. Mine has really helped me to feel more empowered.

May Terry said...

Thanks, Bettina; I will check it out.