Friday, June 13, 2008

I hate hope.

A woman I met at the Breast Cancer List's get-together in Boston a couple of years ago has just entered Hospice. She had recurred with liver metastases shortly before I did, and had a long remission, just as I did. She responded to Herceptin, being positive for the Her2neu oncogene, just as I am.

It can happen so fast.

The problem with hope is that I'm not paying attention to living. And when I get news like this, I get depressed.

It's hard to plant a perennial garden when you know you may not see it bloom next year.

Yes, I'm angry. And sad for Ann, and for myself. And scared.


Polyxena said...

I'm sad to hear about Ann too, and it is very understandable that you should be scared. It makes me feel like that and I haven't got mets.

The garden is as much about the here and the now as the future, you know. You are seizing the day by planning and planting and enjoying the labour and the outdoors.

You need to snuggle up with a purring cat. Purring cats are a great comfort when you are feeling sad. And the gardens can be for them too. My old cat used to sleep in the rosemary and I used to tell her she smelled good enough to cook. My current cats don't do that because they are both FIV and are confined to barracks as it were. Do your cats sleep in herbs?

Take care

May Terry said...

Thanks, Anne, for your kind comments.

It's amazing how I manage to turn the here and now to the then.

My cats eat herbs, which is why I don't grow any indoors--all three are indoor cats. I wish I could let them out but we're too close to the road.

Yes, they are comforting. I got a lot of cuddling from them yesterday, because they know when I'm upset. Thank heavens for kitties!

Polyxena said...

Yep, cats are great. I have my two near me on this chilly Melbourne day. The ginger Hecuba is curled up in a padded basket that a friend made for my old, now dead, Messalina and the white Polyxena is on a cushion on the floor as close to the heater as she can get!

I grow basil inside on the kitchen window sill (to avoid it being snail food) and neither cat eats it, not even the ginger one who causes me rarely to have flowers in the house. Maybe the flavour is too strong?

AH x

May Terry said...

Ah! Good to know about the basil. Maybe I'll try it.

If only cats ruled the world...

Polyxena said...

I currently have a large bunch of continental parsley on the window sill at present, not growing, but the ginger cat has explored and rejected it ;>0.

Hope you are ok. Sad about Ann. I have a friend with an identical initial diagnosis to me - she has lung and skin and liver mets. I don't. I get very challenged by this. But che sera sera.

May Terry said...

I'm doing fine, Ann, thanks. You're right about what will be...parsley, huh? I'm wondering if what you call continental parsley is one of the two varieties usually available here: flat-leaved parsley or Italian parsley. I might try that too.

Thanks for checking in again :=)

Polyxena said...

Yes it's the flat leafed, Italian parsley. I just bought a big bunch with the vegetables as I wanted to make a dish with it (haven't yet). The ginger cat who is always wild over plants sniffed and went away.

Glad you have joined the Facebook addiction.

Take care xx

May Terry said...

That's right, the flat-leaved is the Italian. Curly is the other one we have.

Thanks for the welcome to Facebook. Now I just need to figure it out, thus proving I do in fact Have an IQ :-)